


Do You ?

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Drinking, Eventual Happy Ending, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: This is the story of how Merlin falls in love with Arthur - how he learns that Arthur does love him back.This is also the story of everything that happens in-between.





	Do You ?

**Author's Note:**

> Something I've written on a whim - I've wanted to try a new type writing, with only fragments of the story. This is what came out.  
> Despite the eventual happy ending, I insist on the fact that this is not a happy fic (and it was quite hard for me to write at some points).  
> I tagged everything I could think of, but don't hesitate to tell me if I forgot something, and don't read it if it's triggering to you.  
> Stay safe, people.

For Merlin, the first time they meet is a crossroad.  
" You look well worn out, mate. Can I buy you a drink ? "  
_No, thank you_ , he should have said. _I'm fine._  
" The strongest they have " he says instead.  
It's his first mistake.

***

" So, what happened ? "  
_None of your business_ , he should have said.  
" My mum's dead " he answers.  
It's his second mistake.

***

" I'm sorry. "  
The apology sounds sincere.  
" You too ? " he asks quietly.  
He should have kept quiet.  
It's his third mistake.

***

They keep talking after that, and every word pushes Merlin further toward the edge.  
It didn't take much. Three mistakes is all.  
He doesn't know it yet, but he is doomed.

***

The second time they meet is at the same bar.  
" It's you again. "  
The man offers him a smile and for a second Merlin can't see.  
" Next one's on me ? "  
This time, he knows it. He really, really should have said no.

***

And it's kind of strange, because he never was the kind to speak freely of himself, always too self-conscious, always too shy maybe, or not enough. And with just a few words the man opens Merlin up. Brings his defenses down. With the care you'd use to shape a perfect snowball before throwing it against a wall.

***

It's their third meeting and Merlin doesn't understand. His retorts are witty and sharp, his answers in turn smart and ridiculous and endearing and it never happened to him before. It's too natural as it shouldn't be, and it scares him somehow.

***

That's why he thinks then that perhaps he should walk away. Never glance back. Not risk it.

***

But then the man's words are soft and kind and gentle and Merlin can't help it. He stays.

***

After that, everything just keeps piling up.  
They exchange names, as they didn't the first time. He learns that the man's name is Arthur. The connection with his own makes Merlin smile.

***

They exchange numbers, and the reason why is kind of obvious. They don't want to meet by chance anymore.

***

They also introduce each other to their circle of friends. And that's the final blow, the final strand added to the fabric of their destiny. Because that's how they become close and everything's perfect.

***

Except. Merlin falls in love.

***

It all comes in waves. Warmth settling in his chest at every smile. Skin craving every touch. Mind wanting nothing but time spent together. It all comes in waves and Merlin still doesn't see it.

***

That's why when he finally gets it, it comes a bit as a surprise. One moment he's shamelessly flirting at the bar, just how he does sometimes, and the next Arthur enters and Merlin can't see anything else. Like he's blinded by the sun.  
_Oh_ , he thinks.  
He blinks a few times, recovers his sight. Smiles.  
" Hey. "

***

How could he have known ? Never his heart had beaten so fast before. At some point in the evening, Merlin catches the eyes of the barman, looking directly at him. Perhaps it's a warning. Perhaps the barman knows that he is doomed.

***

They don't talk about it. It's as if they are scared, and maybe they are, because it's so new. It lingers between them, like a secret. Unspoken.

***

" You're smiling. Why are you smiling ?"  
" Sorry " he mumbles, biting his lower lip.  
A laugh.  
" Don't be. I like it when you smile. "

***

" Did I ever tell you that you have the most lovely lips I've ever seen ? "  
He blushes furiously and Arthur ruffles his hair, eyes impossibly bright.  
That's when Merlin thinks that if anyone ever asks, he knows how happiness feels like.

***

But it's not happiness, because there are yet too many things left unsaid.

**

And then there's this time :  
" You know, I was wondering...I told you about this party my neighbors are throwing ? "  
" I heard you complain, yeah " he answers with a smirk.  
" Thing is, I'm not that fond of their tastes in music and...I thought..."  
Merlin doesn't even think.  
" Want to crash at mine ? "  
And he doesn't see it, but right there is another definition of happiness, hidden in the light of Arthur's eyes.

***

They end up each at one end Arthur's couch. There is no awkward silences, no sidelong glances, no uncertainty. Only trust and comfort found in each other's company, warm as the blankets wrapped around their shoulders.

***

This is the first time and this is the first step. Many others will come, but this one is special. The room is dark save for the light of the moon through the windows ; silent save for their hushed words and quiet whispers.

***

They exchange childhood stories :  
" I was, maybe twelve when I got drunk for the first time. I mean, it wasn't even my fault, I didn't know back then. There was this friend I had, he was a few years older and made me try. Made fun of me for years afterwards, saying that I was too much of a lightweight to ever drink with him again. "  
There's a small smile tugging at Merlin's lips and he doesn't even try to hide it.  
" What ? " Arthur asks.  
" That's always good to know " he answers.  
" What is ? "  
" That I shouldn't let you near a bottle of alcohol ever again. "  
Arthur smiles at that, and Merlin knows Arthur understands what he means.

***

And pains :  
" I wasn't even five when my father left us. Mum had it hard, always trying to make up for his absence as if it was her fault. She started to work too much, came home always exhausted. I didn't know what to do with myself at the time. I didn't have many friends back then, was mostly the quiet sort. It was probably the hardest time of my life.  
_Until_...But no, Merlin doesn't say it, because he doesn't know it yet.  
Throughout it all, Arthur listens, quiet, more attentive to him than anyone ever had been. Until :  
" I never knew my mum. "

***

And also simple memories of a different time.  
" I had this nanny, she was very young, I think my father kept her because I always said she baked the best cookies ever. "  
" Chocolate chips ? "  
" Yeah ". Arthur smiles. " Chocolate chips. I had to beg her for weeks before she agreed to give me the recipe. "  
Again Merlin doesn't think, doesn't even try. Instead he says :  
" Wanna make some cookies ? "  
Seeing Arthur smile at his words is like looking at the sun face to face, without glasses to protect you from his light.

***

But there are still some subjects that they don't dare to bring up. They talk about their mothers, sometimes, not often. It's like being able to share this with someone can make the weight lighter somehow. They talk about their fathers too, gone for one and absent for the other. They talk about friends and about families and about the funny face of a stranger in the subway.

***

That's it, though. They don't talk about love.

***

Merlin isn't the one who breaks the agreement.  
" You never said. Are you seeing anyone ? "  
He answers quietly, as if afraid to move the silence around his lips.  
" No " he says.  
It's been a while since he last had a relationship.  
" Why ? "  
He shrugs. Perhaps he never recovered his sight after that time at the bar.  
" There's no one. "  
That would be why he can't see the pained smile his answer caused.

***

Merlin doesn't return the question because he doesn't want to hear Arthur's answer. And it's too soon, but there's fear, already.

***

They haven't know each other for that long, that's why Merlin doesn't worry. He doesn't think they can become closer. Time passes.

***

Unfortunately, they do.

***

That's why live with it becomes harder than he thought it could be. Because they talk about moving in together, as they already practically live on each other's couch by now. Because it's the other they call on sleepless nights. Because they know more about each other than anyone else.

***

Because they don't doubt their relationship. Because they think they _understand_ each other.

***

Truth is, they don't.

***

It's one of their nights shared on the couch. The room is dark and silent as everything is about to turn upside down. They're drinking tea or perhaps wine, watching a movie. The atmosphere calls for confidences and the forbidden subject is brought up again.

***

" Do you think you'll ever fall in love ? "  
Merlin freezes. The words burn his mind but he can't say them.  
_Yes_ , he thinks desperately, _I already have_.  
But he is scared and there's the smile and the fear of loss is too much. And so he lies.  
" No " he says. " I think it's not for me ".

***

He's strangled by the words he can't say, so far from happiness, and yet so close. But he doesn't think of asking the question himself, and the moment disappears.

***

It's the first time and Merlin remembers it. After that, lying is the only thing he can think of doing to protect himself. It feels like it's the only thing he does. It's the first time and he remembers it, but he won't remember the others.

***

Because there are questions he doesn't want to answer, and each lie seems easier than the one before. He's slowly drowning and there's nothing he can do.  
_That's how it feels, to be powerless_ , he thinks.  
He was warm but now he is alone and he can't breathe and suddenly everything feels cold.

***

" Isn't there anyone you could love ? "  
_Not as much as I love you._  
" I told you it's not for me. "

***

" There has to be. "  
_No, there isn't. You can't see the stars when the sun is in front of you_.  
" I hope so. "

***

And it's kind of true that Merlin does hope, but he doesn't want to. Because it would mean letting Arthur go, and he isn't ready for that yet.

***

The saddest part is, Merlin doesn't think he ever will be.

***

" Don't you ever want to be with someone ? "  
" I do " he whispers. " I can't. "  
He doesn't think his answer was loud enough to be heard.

***

Merlin tries, though. Hard. He doesn't want to lose what he has, so he does his best.

***

" There's this old friend of mine, he invited me to his birthday's party. It's on Friday, and I was wondering if you would like to come ? "  
He doesn't want to because it sounds like it's not just an old friend.  
" Why not " he shrugs, " I haven't got plans anyway. "

***

It's just not enough.

***

" So, you and him ? "  
" We've been together for a while, yeah. How d'you know ? "  
"The way he looks at you. The way you look at him. "  
Maybe he has no rights to ask but Merlin does anyway :  
" What happened ? "  
When Arthur gazes up, he can't quite meet his eyes.  
" I met someone else. "

***

He shouldn't have asked. Because that's when things start to go downhill.

***

They do not only share their lives by now, they plan a future together. Just as if what they have will never change. Just like they can't imagine live without the other anymore.

***

But Merlin just tries to live up to the present. The future, he can't think of. He doesn't think there's any left for him anyway.

***

Those thoughts, he seems to have more and more of. He doesn't know where they come from, and he doesn't know how to get away from them.

***

The first time he goes at the bar on his own, the barman just looks at him. Merlin doesn't meet his eyes. He goes into the crowd. And if his hands are trembling, well, no one seems to notice.

***

He tries to forget. He finds a woman, a few times, he goes with men, mostly. There's smiles involved that don't reach the eyes, faked desires that burn the soul, and mind-numbing pleasure as the only reliable goal.

***

He doesn't do that often and obviously doesn't tell Arthur, but he stops quickly anyway. It doesn't do well to end up crying on the shoulder of the man you're fucking with.

***

He doesn't do sex anymore. So he tries something else. He starts drinking. He never really loved alcohol, but a few shots, he can handle. All Merlin wants is the blurry life that comes after.

***

" What the hell do you think you're doing ? "  
It was inevitable, he knew.  
" Drinking " he says, matter-of-factly.  
But he notices the painful anger so he lets out a sigh and tries to stand up. He figures he can't.  
" I'm taking you home. "

***

Merlin gets caught a few more times after that. The barman gets angry. When it becomes too much, he always know to call Arthur, and Arthur always comes to make sure he's safe. Picks him up from the floor where he passed out. Throws him on his shoulder, and then takes him home.

***

When Arthur leaves, it's never before having prepared a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers on the nightstand.

***

" Why do you always drink so much ? "  
It took Arthur a while to gather the courage to ask the question, but the answer is easy.  
_Numbness_.  
" Alcohol's good " he simply shrugs.

***

That's the reason of their first fight and Arthur stops coming altogether. Merlin understands the anger and he gets the concern. He slows down a bit.

***

He has to keep his head low anyway, because the barman won't hesitate to throw him out if he drinks too much.

***

So he tries smoking. It doesn't work at all. The first time Arthur catches the scent of smoke, his smile drops and his face blanches and he punches him square in the face. Hard.  
" Don't ever try to do that again. "  
Arthur's voice is low and hurt more than angry. So Merlin doesn't.

***

Because :

***

"What would be your greatest fear ? "  
The question comes from nowhere, and Merlin barely has the time to hold back his answer.  
_It's obvious_ , he thinks. _Losing you._  
" Be alone " he says after a thought.  
But he's already alone, more alone than he ever was.

***

And somehow Arthur sees that. That's why he asks :  
" Don't you want anyone to love you ? "  
_Are you really that blind ?_ he almost asks. But he doesn't, because wouldn't it be so painfully ironic ?  
" Who the hell would love someone like me ? "  
Merlin says it as a joke but the smile is fake.

***

" I would. "  
He's caught by surprise but manages to react :  
" You know you don't count. "  
He winks to make Arthur smile.  
It doesn't work.

***

And then there's this time :

***

They're at the same bar they met. At some point Arthur looks around him, taking in the seductive smiles, the interested glances.  
" Do you think it's possible to be with someone you don't really love ? " Arthur asks.  
" Yes ", he answers.  
Sometimes people do.  
" Have you ? "  
Merlin shakes his head.  
" It wouldn't be fair ".

***

That night, they both go home alone.

***

But it's a status quo and it can't last. That's why there is this :

***

Sometimes, when Merlin's alone, a man - or a woman - comes to him. They catch him unaware because all his attention is focused on one man, the one that looks at him only when Merlin isn't seeing. They talk to him, try to seduce him - Merlin knows they want him. But he doesn't want them, so he turns them down. They walk away, mostly, a sad smile on their faces. They understand. Arthur doesn't.

***

" Sometimes I can see them, looking at you. "  
Merlin shrugs.  
" I know. I see them too. "  
" But they don't come. "  
_No, they don't. Because they see. Because they understand._  
" Perhaps you scare them. "  
" I try to. "  
That whisper, he doesn't hear.

***

The next woman that comes to him somehow ends up crying. Strangely, Merlin can't find it in himself to care.  
" She was nice, though. "  
" Yeah " he says, and it's true. " She was. "  
_She just wasn't you._

***

And he knew it was a bad idea to let Arthur this close, because now everything somehow revolves around him. It's Arthur Merlin chooses to call when something reminds him of his mother. It's in Arthur's arms that he cries, and lets himself be seen vulnerable. It's with Arthur that he shares everything that make him who he is, because Arthur is always there to listen.

***

That's why when Arthur says :  
" She told me I was the most beautiful person she's ever met. "  
He answers :  
" I disagree. "  
Truth is, he isn't even lying.  
Because :  
_You're so much more than that._

***

" I bet you wouldn't believe me if I were to say that I find you beautiful. "  
Crooked smile. Perfect reflection.  
" No, I wouldn't " he says. " We both know it's not true. "  
Merlin ducks to avoid the half-hearted blow and goes running around, chased, a never ending laugh bubbling in his chest.

***

But the thing is, like night and day, there is another side to this.

***

Sometimes, it's the other way around.

***

" Is she still looking at me ? "  
" Yes " he answers. " If I read her right, she's telling me that she wants you to kiss her. "  
Merlin's half mocking and half terrified, but to no end.  
" Well, you can sign to her that I'd rather kiss you. "  
Arthur adds a wink at his words and :  
" Anytime. "  
Merlin finds it hard to breathe after that.

***

But it's not the worst.

***

Because sometimes, Arthur goes.  
" You'll be okay on your own ? "  
Merlin can't answer. He can't. He nods.  
But he can't ignore the sympathetic glances, and often the screams that threaten to escape his chest.

***

Of those nights, Merlin can't remember much. After all, when he drinks, he tends to forget.

***

Thankfully, Arthur doesn't go often. But Merlin is stupid and he is proud, so he doesn't ask why.

***

Except this time :

***

" She invited me to her place. "  
He stops breathing.  
" I didn't go. "  
He breathes again.  
" Why ? "  
There's a smile, and then :  
" She looked too much like you. "  
_Well, that's something I could have said._

***

The thing is, they still don't understand.

***

" He wanted you. Why didn't you say yes ? "  
_Because I want someone else_ , he doesn't say.  
" Had a funny look " he answers sheepishly. " Didn't trust him. "  
That earns Merlin a fond smile, and he can't help but laugh along.

***

But then Arthur worries.

***

" Why don't you let anyone love you ? "  
" Because I know I won't love them back. "  
It's easier to say now. Because he tried and he failed, so he knows he's right.  
" Even me ? "  
Merlin smiles.  
" Especially you. "

***

" Why don't you even try it ? "  
" I don't want to ! "  
Merlin doesn't scream but it's almost like he does.  
" I'm sorry. "

***

Truth is, Merlin is sorry too. But he can't say it with a mouth that dry, a throat that raw. He's never been that scared before.

***

" Who am I to you ? "  
This time, Merlin's mind goes blank. He can't even form the words in his head.

***

" If I were a girl, would you kiss me ? "  
_I'd kiss you now,_ he wants to say, _if I didn't think you'd kill me for it._  
" What are you, an octopus ? "

***

Merlin jokes, most of the time. He takes it lightheartedly, like he knows he's supposed to. He answers right.  
He doesn't think, even one time, to try the truth for a change.

***

It's late at night again. They're in one of their appartements - they live equally in both, by now - and share a blanket on the couch in front of an old movie.

***

" I had a nightmare last night. "  
The voice is strangely shaken.  
" What was it ? " Merlin asks, curious.  
" I left and came back and you were dead. "  
_Oh_ , he thinks. He can't quite believe it.  
" You dream about me " he says outloud.  
He didn't want to, so he says again :  
" Don't leave, then. "  
Arthur smiles.  
" I don't plan to. "

***

" What about you ? Do you ever dream about people ? "  
_About one, sometimes._ All the time.  
" I do. "  
" About what ? If you don't mind me asking. "  
Merlin laughs.  
" Depends. Mostly, my dreams are nightmares. "  
He doesn't explain why.

***

They can't seem to avoid the question. It's always there, around them, heavy like a secret. A secret that wants _out_.

***

" What do you think it feels like, to love ? "  
_It burns_ , Merlin knows.  
" I wouldn't know " he says.

***

" Do you think it's possible to forget someone you love ? "  
_No_ , he thinks.  
" Yes ", he says.  
He knows both are true.

***

" Could you stay with someone you love even as you know they'll never feel the same ? "  
" I don't think so. It would probably hurt too much. "  
A laugh.  
" It's not as if you would know, anyway. "  
" No " he admits quietly. " It's not as if I would know. "

***

Sometimes, when they don't see each other for too long, there are phone calls at three in the morning, texts in the middle of the night, smiles and thoughts flying between them, no matter how far away they are.

***

It's strange for them, so they find excuses. Broken laundry machine. Unmatching socks. Everything is good to complain. It leads to games, but it's always dangerous to play with fire.

***

" Well, if we hadn't met, I don't know what you'd be, by now. "  
_I know. I'd be happy._  
" Some kind of a mess, probably. "  
Merlin knows it's also true.

***

" You'd be lost without me. "  
No. No. It isn't like that.  
_I'm lost because of you_ , he thinks.  
He doesn't say it.

***

It comes a day where the sun is high and the children are laughing. It hits hard and goes away, but not fast enough, never fast enough. It hurts.

***

" Have you found someone yet ? "  
A sigh.  
" No " he says. " I would tell you, don't you think ? "  
A grimace. And then :  
" I do. I have. I think I have. "  
Merlin chokes.

***

" I don't think it would work, though. No sugh things as lasting feelings, it seems. "  
Not fast enough, not nearly fast enough.

***

" I haven't seen you smile in a while. "  
" I know " he says. " I just understood something. "  
" What is it ? "  
Merlin can't say it. He can't say it. He can't...  
" If I were to die tomorrow, you would never know. "  
" Never know what ? "  
Light concern, mostly amusement. He shouldn't say it.  
" Where I hid all the things I stole from you."

***

And, perhaps, there and then is the beginning of the end.

***

" What makes you so sad ? "  
_To need what I can't have._  
" I think a lot about my mum, lately. "  
And perhaps there's a little bit of that, too.

***

" Why are you crying ? "  
_I love you. I love you._  
" It's raining, you idiot. "

***

Merlin tries to keep it together but sometimes it's too hard. When he can't handle it anymore, he goes back to the bar. He makes sure to apologize to the barman beforehand. One look suffice, though. His face shows how much his heart is broken.

***

" Why don't you ever look at me anymore ? "  
_It hurts too much._  
" You're getting ugly. Have you ever tried make-up ? "

***

" We're not seeing each other as much as before. "  
" Yeah ? I don't mind the quiet, though. "  
This earns Merlin a tight smile and he shrugs in apology.  
" You know I miss you everytime. "  
And that, for once, is not a lie.

***

But if only...

***

" You're crying again. "  
Merlin turns his gaze away.  
" Can't help it. The wind's too cold. "  
_Everything's too cold_.

***

He doesn't know where all the heat has gone. Or more likely, he does : the warmth returned to the point it came from. And well, it's not Merlin's fault if even the blinding sun doesn't reach him anymore.

***

They never stop talking, though. It's like they don't know how to let go of what hurts them most. But that's it, isn't it ? They don't understand, they never do.

***

" If you could make a wish, what would it be ? "  
_Never have met you. Be able to walk away. Stop crying. Stop drinking. Be warm again._  
None of it makes sense.  
" Fall in love ", Merlin answers.  
_And be loved back_ , he doesn't add.

***

And there comes the darkness. Again.

***

" Do you believe in God ? "  
Merlin thinks for a while.  
" No " he finally answers.  
" Why ? "  
" No God can be so cruel as to make me meet you. "  
_No God can be so cruel as to make me fall in love with you._

***

" Do you think you could give your life to save another's ? "  
" Guess not. Life's precious. "  
_Yours yours yours..._  
" I could. "  
A smirk.  
" But certainly not yours. "  
Merlin didn't know the air could taste like blood in his mouth.

***

The next question, he doesn't see it coming.

***

" If you were to end up in front of my grave, what would you say ? "  
The question catches Merlin off-guard. He can't help but laugh.  
" I'd probably be telling stupid stories about you. "  
" Hey, I'm serious. "  
_How can you be ?_ he thinks. _This is absurd. In front of your grave, there's no way I'd be able to do anything but curl on myself and cry._

***

Merlin doesn't return the question, and perhaps he should have. There's his choice and then there's fate, which it is, no one can tell. Yet remember : he is doomed.

***

" It's been a while since I've seen you at the pub. "  
" I don't fancy going there anymore, is all. "  
It's just that he prefers to drink alone now, in the privacy of his home. That way, no one's there to stop him before he blacks out.

***

But it's not too harsh, not yet. Merlin still stands.

***

" Here. Your birthday present. "  
" I told you I didn't want one. "  
" I know. That's why it's kind of special. "  
Merlin opens it and feels like there's a hand on his throat, choking him. Emotion.  
His smile goes wide as he understands.  
" A key to your appartment ? "

***

He returns the favor, of course, a while later. Their birthdays are not that far apart.

***

" You remembered. "  
Of course he did.  
" It's not as if you weren't bringing it up at every occasion. "  
Merlin knows it's not true, but the smile he earns in return makes it up for the lie.

***

He feels the sun again. Sometimes.

***

And then, he doesn't.

***

" I won't stay this winter. My father wants me to go home. "  
Snow, ashes, what difference ?

***

" Did you miss me ? "  
_Every second_ is not a plausible answer. Merlin knows that.  
" Every second " he says.  
Somehow he manages to make it sound like a sarcasm.

***

" You're smiling. "  
For what feels like the first time in a very long time.  
_I'm just happy to see you again_ , is the right answer.  
" You look ridiculous like this " is the wrong one.  
At least it's true that the donkey hat doesn't suit Arthur.

***

" You look thinner. "  
Merlin shrugs.  
" I don't eat much. "  
He can see Arthur's concern. He doesn't care. Or perhaps he does. Eating is the only way he can end up choking on his food. So he does.  
Before throwing up.

***

" I want you to know that I'm here for you, if you need me. "  
_Of course you're here,_ and Merlin wants to cry. _You're always here, everywhere I look, everywhere I go, even under my fucking skin..._  
" It's nothing. Just, I'm a bit tired. I don't sleep well. "  
It feels like it's been months since he last closed his eyes.

***

But that's not all there is to it. Everything's not crushed.

***

" I love the way you laugh. Deep from your chest. It makes me want to laugh with you. "  
And then Merlin does. Just for that.

***

They talk about secrets - not _that_ one.  
" Do you trust me ? "  
_We passed that,_ he thinks. _I'd follow you to the end of the world with a cloth before my eyes. Blindfolded. How is that for trust ?_  
" No " Merlin says dismissively. " You tried to throw me in the water once. It was freezing. "

***

There's still hope. That's why :

***

Sometimes he smiles at Arthur.  
" What do you have in mind that makes you so happy ? "  
And sometimes he just can't.

***

" There's a stain on your shirt. "  
Crinkled eyes.  
" Don't laugh ! " Merlin exclaims. " You don't know how hard it is to remove strawberry from a cloth. "  
It's not strawberry though, and it's perhaps all there is to say about it.

***

It's a hard week at work. When Merlin comes homes, he finds Arthur on his couch, in front of the screen. There's bags of his favorite takeaway food on the table.  
" Hey. "  
Merlin's smile is bright enough to eclipse the stars.

***

" I've seen it, you know. The scar on your wrist. "  
Merlin freezes and doesn't meet Arthur's eyes.  
" Just an accident with the razor " he shrugs. " Nothing to be worried about. "

***

There is, actually. Thankfully, Arthur knows that.

***

Merlin recognizes the concern in the voice, the worry in the eyes, the fear almost. He spots the sidelong glances, the constant attention, the vigilance. And that's all there is to say, really, because there are no more accidents with the razor.

***

Arthur doesn't hold his alcohol, that's for sure.  
" I've never seen you so angry. "  
_You could've died_ _!_ Merlin's shaking.  
" Yes, you did. Remember when you tried to lick my ice-cream ? "  
But then he goes at both their homes and throws away every bottle of beer they have.

***

Merlin hides the strongest drinks in his place, though. Just in case.

***

He doesn't see Arthur drink again, and that makes him a little bit relieved.  
" You don't get to leave me like that " he warns.  
" I know " is all the answer he gets. " I know. "  
And, just maybe, it's enough.

***

" You don't get to either, you know. "  
" You think ? "  
" I'm not joking. I'd get to hell to get you back. "  
It feels warm and it feels wrong, but Merlin's happier than he's ever been in a long time.

***

" You're one of the most important people of my entire life, don't ever forget that. "  
The words aren't just warm. They burn.

***

Eventually, the heat settles for a while.

***

" What would you do to seduce someone ? "  
" Try some poetry. "  
Merlin's smirking but it's only half-hearted. He never tried.  
" You're kidding. "

***

" My father wants me to see him on the next holidays. I wondered if you'd like to come with me this time ? "  
His eyes are wide, Merlin knows, and his mouth probably makes him look like a goldfish.  
" To prevent boredom, obviously. "  
There's a smile in there somewhere, that shows that the words are not quite true.  
" I'd like that " he says.  
" Yeah ? "  
Hope, it is, then.  
" Yeah. "

***

" When you smile, I feel like the sun is looking at me. "  
Merlin suppresses a shiver. How many times did he say those exact same words to himself ?  
_You're the sunshine_ , he thinks. _You and no one else._  
" Hey, don't laugh. I have to practice. "  
" Right. Just hold on and let me throw myself off a cliff, yeah ? "  
The worst part is, at the time, he really means it.  
" Is it that bad ? "  
The thought disappear as quickly as it came. Merlin lets his smile go soft.  
" No. It really isn't. "

***

Tough times come and go. Because they're young and proud and stupid they don't try to walk away. That's why there's this one time :

***

It's a week they'll both want to forget. They won't quite, at leat at first. This one is the hardest : there's too much pressure, too much work, health issues in families, anger, sleep depravation. To say that they're both are out of their depth is all that matters. Because :

***

" You could at least make some effort ! It's the third time this week I have to clean up after you ! " And then :

***

" I didn't know you could be that harsh. "  
Thin line of lips, clenched jaw, tight fists.  
" My mistake. " And again :

***

" Is there anything you're ever good at ? "  
Merlin grabs his drink and throws it at Arthur's face.  
" What the hell was that ?! " But the worst is :

***

" If you're that cold to anyone, no wonder that no one wants to try to love you ! "  
That's too much, then. All too much. This time, Merlin doesn't answer.  
" Oh God. I'm sorry. "  
He turns on his heels and walks away.

***

When the holidays finally come, he doesn't go.

***

He stays at home. Buys a few bottles. He drinks, most of the time.

***

Then Arthur comes back.  
" I'm sorry " is all he can say.  
Strangled voice.  
_Me too._  
Arthur must have seen the blank features and the tremble of limbs and perhaps the tears because suddenly there's a feather-like touch on his cheek.  
" I really am sorry. "  
There's nothing to answer to that.

***

" I didn't mean it. You have to believe me. Please, you have to believe me."

***

" I do, you know. "  
" Do what ? "  
" Love you. "  
It needs to be said, but Merlin knows it's not like that.

***

" I didn't mean it. Any of it. Even if you hate me now, at least believe that. "  
_How could I ever hate you ?_ he thinks.  
" I know " he says. " I know."  
Merlin sees the relief and thinks that, perhaps, he made the right choice.

***

" I forgive you. "

***

They know they'll have to talk about it. But it's too hard at first, and they're still too fragile and vulnerable to try. So they don't.

***

Until, eventually, they do.

***

" Sometimes I wonder how you can stand someone like me. "  
_I don't know myself,_ he wants to say. Merlin doesn't, of course.  
" Someone has to, don't you think ? "  
He's only half joking, but it isn't noticed.

***

But there are two sides to this, because there's also :

***

" Even after...all I did. Do you think I'm a good man ? "  
_Better than you'll ever know._  
" You're the worst person on Earth. "  
But then Merlin knows his eyes showed what his mind wanted to say.

***

They manage, ever so slowly, to undo the wrong they've done to each other.

***

" I called for pizza. Your favorite. "  
" And here I thought you would cook. "  
There's a smile on his lips, Merlin knows.  
" Didn't think you'd want me to burn down your kitchen. "  
He laughs. _God, it feels good to do that again._

***

" You stole them. I can't believe you stole them. "  
" They were in plain sight ! " he answers indignantly.  
" They were in the highest cupboard ! "  
The retort makes Merlin smile.  
" Well, it's not as if you'd eat them anyway. I know you hate those. "  
Arthur doesn't hide a smirk.  
" Yeah. I bought them for you. "

***

But they're careless. Of course they are, they're still young. It doesn't take much for them. Both of them. One night, one joke, and everything goes sideways again.

***

" Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off without you. "  
Merlin can't answer. He can't breathe.  
" Hey, you okay ? "  
He catches the smile a little too late.  
" You'd be bored to death. "  
He manages a wobbly smile of his own.

***

From then, he can almost see the thoughts. That's why the questions aren't quite a surprise. Merlin just hopes they're not foreshadowing what he dreads to think about.

***

" Have you ever thought about leaving ? "  
_I have, oh so many times,_ he thinks. _In the end I couldn't._  
" Why would I ? "

***

“ You're not happy with me."  
It hurts, but Merlin doesn't answer.

***  
How does it matter if I am happy ? "  
_It matters to me,_ Merlin believes.  
He wouldn't have stayed otherwise.

***

" If you ever leave, do you think you'll remember me ? "  
" It's not as if I could ever forget you, even if I tried. "  
_And believe me. I've tried._  
" You wouldn't let me. "

***

There's hidden hurt and Merlin can't see it, won't see it. He's already drowning in his own sorrow after all.

***

" You'll tell me, if you want me to go away, right ? "  
" Obviously. "  
Merlin's answer cuts razor sharp and seems to hurt. He lets a smile play on his lips.  
" But why would I want that ? "

***

" I want you to be happy. "  
He snorts.  
" Please. You'd rather see me hang myself. "  
The smile makes it pass, but sometimes Merlin really feels like this is the only thing to do.

***

" And if I were to leave, would miss me ? "  
" No " he says. " Never ".  
It's his most blatant lie, but it's the one that gets misunderstood.

***

" I thought you cared about me. "  
Merlin stares at Arthur for a while, quite unable to follow a sane train of thoughts.  
" Oh God. You really are stupid, aren't you ? "  
His smile earns him a scowl, so he gets serious again.  
" How could you ever think that I don't ? "

***

But then there's the disbelief and it's quite a hard thing to let go of.

***

" I think you lied to me ".  
" Yeah " he says.  
_You just don't know how many times._

***

" Have you ever been sincere to me ? "  
Merlin knows better than to smile at that.  
" Yes. Yes, I have. "

***

That settles it, at least for now. They try to go on, move on, but they can't. They just can't.

***

They often go to the club together. They met at a bar, but they both like to dance, and they've more than once been caught staring at the other's gestures.

***

But they're not alone in this, they're never alone. Others are looking. Trying.

***

" I asked him what you said to make him walk away so fast. "  
Merlin chuckles.  
" What did he say ? "  
" You told him that you were taken. "  
" Okay " he says.  
It doesn't matter.  
" We both know it's not true. "  
" Okay " he says again.  
It doesn't matter anymore.

***

" Are you seeing someone ? "  
" No " he says. " I'm not ".  
" Why would you say you were taken then ? "  
" I didn't say that I was taken, only that my heart was. "  
Merlin smiles playfully.  
" You think it's a fucking game ? "

***

Merlin never knew it, but he was doomed from the start. Except, there's not so much that can be blamed on fate, and maybe it's more their own doing. That's why, perhaps it is destiny that they choose still not to understand.

***

Perhaps it's not.

***

" The thing is, I fell in love. "  
Merlin's world comes crashing down. It had to happen, eventually.  
_Who ?_ he wants to ask, desperately.  
" Who ? " he manages to say, casually.  
He doesn't get an answer.

***

" The thing is, I'm not loved back. "  
It has to hurt.  
_Of course it does_ , Merlin knows. But it's his life and he's used to it.  
" I'm sorry ".

***

At that second, Merlin doesn't know that he shouldn't have answered. Because the worst happens :

***

" You're not smiling anymore. "  
The observation is careful but hurts all the same.  
" I'm not ? " he tries to avoid.  
" You're not. Why ? "  
" I don't know " he answers. " Perhaps I don't want to. "  
" Even to me ? "  
Merlin doesn't respond to that.

***

And then :

***

" I think I should leave. "  
Merlin saw it coming, he really did, but the feeling is still the same : being ripped apart.  
He just lifts a shoulder.  
" Yeah. You do that. "  
Arthur doesn't look at him as he turns on his heels and walks away.

***

It doesn't feel real, it can't be real. Except, when Merlin looks at his keys, he notices that the one to Arthur's apartment is gone.

***

That Arthur is gone.

***

From the next day, Merlin won't remember much. Only that now, he finally understands what people feel like when they're drowning. Helpless.  
_And here I thought it was a good option,_ he thinks. He won't. It hurts too much.

***

He spends the night at his apartment. He won't remember how he got on the street - on the _road_ -, but he'll end up in a hospital bed several hours later. He'll just know he drank. Too much. But it's hardly unusual for him, so that's not why he got out. He doesn't want to think about what would've happened if he were less drunk at the time. He wouldn't have avoided the car.

***

The first time he wakes up, he's alone. He doesn't how much time has passed. There's no more alcohol in his blood. He stares at the ceiling, feeling numb.

***

The second time, he wakes up to the feeling of a hand on his own, gently stroking, soft and gentle. Loving. He hears a voice in his ear, laced with fear and anger, oddly familiar.  
" I told you you didn't get to leave like this. "  
But Merlin knows it's just a dream, so he drifts off again.

***

Then, Merlin opens his eyes to the sound of the machines.  
" I always hated that sound " he says.  
" Why ? "  
" That's the first thing I heard after the doctors told me my mum was dead. "  
It doesn't occur to him at first that he knows the voice that answered him.

***

Merlin slowly comes back to himself and finds Arthur at the side of his bed. He can't talk. There's shame in there, anger, and maybe something else entirely.

***

Maybe hope.

***

" What happened ? "  
" I don't know " he says. " I don't want to remember. "  
" You drank. "  
" I don't want to talk about this. "

***

" Don't ever do that to me again. "  
The voice is hurt, oh so much, but Merlin is even more.  
" You walked away. "  
He doesn't think Arthur will understand.

***

Except, Arthur does.  
" I'll never leave you again. "  
" Don't ".  
He doesn't think he can hear it. No more promises that can't be kept. That, Merlin can't bear.  
Of course, Arthur doesn't listen.

***

" When they called me..."  
A deep breath.  
" They said it was the hospital. I thought you were dead. "  
" I'm not. "  
Merlin thinks he hears a sob and then...

***

Then nothing. Perhaps the nightmares finally came back to haunt him.

***

" You tried to kill yourself. "  
It's not a question.  
" I didn't " Merlin answers anyway, and that at least is true.  
_I couldn't have without having said goodbye._  
That, of course, he doesn't say. He's not that desperate.

***

Except, he is.  
" Why didn't you tell me to stay ? "  
_Because you wanted to leave_ , he thinks.  
" Because I didn't think you'd want to " he says.  
They both know which is the lie.

***

Merlin passes days on his bed, and Arthur stays at his side. They talk some more, like nothing changed. Like everything changed.

***

And inevitably :

***

Sometimes, Merlin wish he was, dead.  
" Why did you go ? "  
He doesn't know what gave him the strength to ask, but he shouldn't have.  
" I couldn't stay here knowing that the one I love was..."  
The sudden sound of the machines shuts Arthur up.  
_I forgot that, too_. Merlin sees black and passes out.

***

" I wanted to see you smile again. "  
" That's why you left ? "  
" No " Arthur says quietly. " Truth is, I couldn't stand being the reason you stopped smiling. "  
Merlin can barely suppress a full-body shiver.  
" So you knew. "  
" Knew what ? "  
The voice is startled.  
Of course Arthur didn't.

***

Merlin got lucky. He has no lasting injuries and gets out of the hospital a few days later. Arthur takes him home and doesn't leave.  
" Go " Merlin says quietly.  
He wants to cry and for that he needs to be alone.  
" Never again. "  
He wonders if that is what surrender feels like.

***

He cries anyway. There are lips on his temple, soothing words, a hand rubbing circles at the small of his back. Somehow it all makes it just worse.  
" I'm sorry " he says.  
" I'm sorry " he hears.  
Merlin doesn't know which one of them really talked.

***

He's tired and wants nothing more than to go to sleep. Forget. Forget everything that ever happened. Forget that Arthur left.

***

Forget that he loves him.

***

Except, that's when Arthur finds the empty bottles.  
" They've been here for a while " he says.  
And the pills.  
" I've never taken them " he says.  
That's when Arthur hugs him until he can't breathe anymore.

***

" Why didn't you say anything ? "  
_I've been quiet for too long_ , Merlin doesn't say.  
" I didn't know how " he murmurs.  
This time, too, his voice is too low for Arthur to hear.

***

That night, Merlin picks up the bottle he kept hidden under his bed, in prevention of sleepless nights. He knows he won't get to rest otherwise.  
" Oh no, you don't. "  
The bottle is snatched from his hands.  
" Talk to me. "  
He doesn't want to.

***

" Leave me alone ! "  
Merlin screams. His voice sounds raw, even to his own ears.  
" I told you. I won't. I won't let you drink a single drop of anything that resembles alcohol until you tell me what happened. "  
He storms out and doesn't look back.

***

When Arthur finds him a couple hours later, curl up on a bench, looking at the skies, Merlin doesn't say anything.  
" I don't understand " Arthur says quietly.  
Somehow, Merlin desperately wants to answer but can't.

***

And that's the root of everything, really. Comprehension. But it's not for too long then, finally.

***

Arthur will understand, eventually.

***

" What do you think can make a man lose his mind ? "  
" Insanity ? " he demands.  
" Madness " is his answer.  
And there it is. Almost, almost...  
But he is too tired to watch his tongue. It's a bone-deep tiredness, a wariness that reaches the soul, too painful to ignore, too hard to fight.  
So Merlin answers. Truthfully.  
" Love. "

 

***

Dawned realization. Wide eyes, shock, emotion.

***

Now Arthur knows.

***

Now, finally, Arthur _understands_.

***

The next time Merlin sees Arthur, Arthur is walking toward him, eyes narrowed, jaw clenched. There is anger there, deeply concealed, and something too vulnerable to be named.  
_No. You can't._  
Merlin tries to get away but Arthur is too fast. Cornered against the wall of his own apartment, there's nowhere left to run.  
" Why didn't you tell me ? " Arthur growls.  
Merlin starts crying again.

***

" How long it's been ? "  
_Too long_ , Merlin wants to say. To curl up on himself, to scream, to _do something_...  
" Since the first day " he admits.  
They don't say anything after that.

***

" If it all hurt that much, why didn't you leave ? "  
" You left " Merlin says. " I stayed. "  
Slumped shoulders.  
" I left. Why didn't you ? "  
" I guess I wanted to believe you needed me. "  
" I do. "  
The confession is almost too quiet.  
_Almost is not enough_ , he thinks.  
How Merlin wish he hadn't thrown his last pills.

***

" You never thought I could feel the same way ? "  
_Don't !_ he doesn't shout.  
Merlin's head is spinning.  
" No " he says. " I'm not worth it. "  
Suddenly there's a hand on his cheek, soft and gentle.  
" You really believe that. "  
And quiet horror, too.

***

" The thing is, I fell in love with you. "  
Merlin's mind blanks. He shivers. His voice is too soft when he answers :  
" Don't lie to me. Not about that. "  
Arthur looks at him with wide eyes, but he doesn't care.  
_I can't take it,_ is all he thinks.

***

" There is something I have to tell you. "  
" What is it ? "  
" Promise me you won't walk away. "  
" Depends. Am I allowed a drink if I listen ? "  
" No " Arthur answers, " no. Stop that. "  
_I can't._  
Merlin keeps quiet.

***

" I think I'm going mad. "  
Merlin feels fear, for the first time in ages. It's ice cold, harder than sadness, fierce and unforgiving.  
" Why ? " he asks, careful.  
Almost defeat. Almost is not enough, remember ?  
" I won't give up on you. "  
_I already gave up. It's me who's getting mad, you know. I know it's me._  
" No, it's not ".  
Merlin didn't think he spoke loud enough to be heard.

***

But as Arthur said, he hasn't given up.

***

" Do you love me ? "  
That question, Merlin can't answer.  
_Yes yes yes..._  
The word is held too close to his heart, and Merlin knows that he can't let it go unless he breaks.  
_It doesn't matter_ , he thinks.  
" Yes."  
He's already broken.

***

" I love you. Do you believe me ? "  
_No, you don't. No, I can't. It's been far too long..._  
There's a slow kiss pressed on his forehead.  
" Yes " he whispers.  
And how Merlin desperately wants it to be true.

***

And after that :

***

Merlin tries. He really does. He avoids drinking as much as he can. And when he can't, Arthur is always there to keep him together before he falls apart again.

***

He goes out sometimes, often on his own. He needs to be alone, to reflect on his life. To breathe.

***

He thinks about seeing a therapist. In the end he doesn't, but he talks to some of his friends. He finds out he's not alone and he tries to heal.

***

The barman recognise him when he goes in. He doesn't wait for Merlin's order. He turns his back on him for a second, and then there's a full glass of water on the counter. Like a challenge. Only that, but it does it.

***

Merlin drinks it fully, nods at the barman. Grateful.  
Then he goes home. He knows what he has to do.

***

He sits on his couch, the last plain bottle in his hand. He stares at it for a while. All of his nightmares stare back at him. A tear roll down his cheek. He's saying goodbye.

***

Because, there's a voice in Merlin's head.  
" Don't ever do that to me again. "  
_No_ , he thinks. He won't.

***

He throws the bottle against the nearest wall and watch it explode.The shattered pieces on the floor seem to look at him as as many reprocheful eyes, but he doesn't care. He's slowly being put back together.

***

That's how Arthur finds him a little while later. He takes in everything. A few steps is all he needs.  
Merlin doesn't talk. He doesn't think.  
He feels warm, lost in Arthur's crushing embrace.

***

They move in together a while later. They had to get away, to start over.

***

" I love you. "  
The first time Merlin says the words, he's trembling. His voice is barely a whisper, and his skin is so pale he looks eerie in the moonlight.  
_Please_ , he thinks, _don't laugh. Don't walk away. Don't break me again. Don't..._  
Their first kiss is tender and so, so sweet he wants to cry again.  
Except he doesn't, because happiness is far too much to be wasted on tears.  
" I love you too. "

***

Merlin's heart beats wildly in his chest, and he prays to never get used to it. When he hugs Arthur, he feels like there's an entire universe within his arms.

***

Perhaps it's true.

***

" What do you want ? "  
Arthur's question is barely a whisper in the quiet of their bedroom. It's night again, like it should be. The sun is down, but its light never fades. There's silence there, and darkness too, but it doesn't matter, because it's peaceful. There's no more secrets, no more painful truths. All souls laid bare.  
_You. All of you_ , Merlin wants to say.  
And so he does.

**Author's Note:**

> * Also, the part where Merlin thinks that Arthur would kill him if Merlin were to kiss him is figurative : Merlin thinks more about a mocking reaction or disgust, not that Arthur would actually kill him.


End file.
